Daft reasons we’re told we should stop breastfeeding by a certain age

Age of baby/child, that is, not age of mother!  I was inspired to write this post after my family and I were featured in New! magazine thanks to my experiences of breastfeeding beyond the age of two. It’s not online, as I’m not a celebrity, and neither are the other two lovely mums who were featured, so here’s a scanned pic of my little bit:

The first thing I wanted to clarify is that I did not say ‘…if I wanted a glass of wine, I’d express beforehand and then wait 24 hours before feeding, so no alcohol entered the milk’, because a) I don’t drink wine and b) you don’t need to worry about the alcohol from one glass of wine causing any problems! What I actually said was: ‘No, I didn’t miss out on any evenings out – it’s find to drink a little alcohol when you’re breastfeeding, as long as you don’t have lots of all-night benders…and even then, if you express a little beforehand and then wait for 24 hours before feeding, it’s fine.’ <sigh>

Still, I guess I need to be grateful that that’s the only misquote in the piece – I’ve heard of far larger disasters when it comes to talking to the press about breastfeeding! Oh, and the fact they can’t spell Sven! :D

But this post relates to what their ‘expert’ had to say on the matter:

 I know that the magazine wanted an opposing view – they always do – so I guess that’s why they asked a ‘children’s nutrition expert’ rather than a breastfeeding counsellor, or child psychologist, or someone who really understand the issue. As usual, this ‘expert’ – a Dr Pauline Emmett – has been asked to pass opinion on something that is really outside of her remit, because most real experts will tell you the exact opposite, including the World Health Organisation.

Anyway, it prompted me to dissect the reasons she gives that we should all wean our babies from the breast before the age of two as they just seem to get more and more bonkers as other ‘experts’ reasons for stopping get widely discounted.

1. There are no health benefits to breastfeeding a child when they are eating a good range of solid foods…I would also worry that a child who is breastfed may eat less of a range of foods and not get all the relevant nutrients and vitamins they need.

Ok, where do I start? I guess with the fact that I’d love to see her evidence for this. I can’t possibly see how breastmilk suddenly stops being nutritional after the age of two years. It’s like saying that there’s no health benefits to eating apples or spinach or any other number of healthful foods, so long as you’re eating lots of other good stuff: kind of true but largely irrelevant.

Secondly, if, like lots of children, your child does not want to eat a good range of solid foods, then how handy to have breastmilk to mop up any deficiencies that might be happening. Being a fussy child has nothing to do with whether you’re breastfed or not, but what do you do if your child refuses a good range of solid foods and you’re not breastfeeding? Pump them full of vitamins? Sneak vegetables into their diet in clever ways? Force them? Breastfeeding’s easier…and a lot nicer ;)

2. …a child’s immune system is fully formed and they don’t need any help from their mother’s breastmilk.

Again, would love to see some research on this. All the research I’ve seen so far says that it’s at least 6-8 years of age when a child’s immune system is fully developed, and one place I read said 14 years! A far cry from the age of two, as quoted by Ms Emmett.

And the same argument applies as above – so what??? As adults our immune systems are fully developed, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t help it along a little by making sure we have plenty of vitamin C etc. in our diets.

3. …this sort of parenting means that the child is more dependent on their mother, which is unfair on them should something happen to her.

This one just made me laugh out loud! What a ridiculous argument! The idea that a child who wasn’t being breastfed would be any less distraught at the loss of his or her mother than one who was being breastfed is utterly preposterous! Does she think we should all stop cuddling our children beyond the age of two in case they feel so close to us that they can’t cope if something happens to us?

I think it’s a shame that magazines have this desperate need to always provide an alternative argument to something and just put across the idea that actually there’s nothing wrong at all with breastfeeding beyond the age of two, or whatever. If I were ever asked to be the expert with the opposing view, I would say this:

“Mothers should definitely wean their babies before the age of two if they or their baby wants to. If they want to continue, however, then there’s no reason why not.”

I imagine that that wouldn’t be inflammatory enough for a magazine, though.

Oh, and just for the fun of it, here’s my favourite pic ever that I didn’t even know we had until I had to find one of me breastfeeding a toddler!

2 Comments
by clarekirkpatrick on May 30, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding toddlers

Posted by clarekirkpatrick on May 30, 2012

http://freeyourparenting.com/2012/05/30/daft-reasons-were-told-we-should-stop-breastfeeding-by-a-certain-age/

Engorgement

A bit of a functional post today, but a necessary one, if the number of phone calls I’ve taken on the breastfeeding line about this issue is anything to go by!

What’s going on?

When milk isn’t removed from the breast frequently enough, or efficiently enough, then you can get to a point where there is too much milk in the ducts. In the first instance, this can cause what we call engorgement.

It’s very normal to experience engorgement on day 3-5 after your baby is born, because this is the time that your milk comes in - the time when your milk supply increases dramatically thanks to the reduced level of progesterone on your body (the hormone produced by your placenta to keep the volume of milk production low while you’re pregnant). If the engorgement is not relieved, however, the situation can worsen.

You can also get engorgement at any time that you have a longer than normal gap between feeds, for instance the morning after the first night your baby sleeps through without feeding, or the first time you’re away from your baby for a few hours.

You may experience a few days of engorgement after you wean your baby from the breast as well.

Some mothers are more prone than others to engorgement if their babies aren’t latching on quite as well as they need to be to be able to feed efficiently.

What does it look like?

If your breasts are hard, tender and looking larger than normal, then they may well be engorged. They are sometimes full enough that the nipples flatten out, which can make it harder for your baby to latch on well.

Simple engorgement does not usually feel lumpy, or properly painful, although they can be extremely uncomfortable. They may be slightly reddened, but if they are very red, very painful and hot, then things may have moved on and you may have mastitis, which I’ll write about in the future.

Why is it important to do something about it?

Engorgement can lead onto blocked ducts, and even onto mastitis. The end point of this process can be as bad as a painful abscess, which can cause real problems if not dealt with quickly enough.

What can you do about engorgement?

The most important thing to do with engorgement is to remove the milk in any way you can.

Early days engorgement

If your baby is a few days old, and you are experiencing what is considered to be normal engorgement, then simply feeding your baby as often as possible will probably be all it takes to make your breasts more comfortable.

It is important, though, to ensure that your baby is latching on well otherwise this simply won’t work. If your breasts are so full that your nipples have flattened out and your baby is finding it hard to latch on, then try to express some milk by hand to soften your breasts first.

Getting in a warm bath can help to let the milk flow, along with some gentle breast massage. You can try a breast pump if you have one, but many mothers find that they just can’t get on with breast pumps, so you may find this causes more stress at a time when you may already be feeling tearful and concerned.

You can also try the cabbage leaf treatment, which sounds like an old wives tale, but despite there being very little in the way of big research into it, seems to have worked for so long, and does have some small studies backing up it’s efficacy.

Basically, using a green cabbage from the fridge, put a leaf in your bra on your engorged breast(s) and let it warm up against your skin. It seems to help relieve the inflammation, but don’t use it if you have broken skin anywhere, or you can make sure that you cut out a hole for your nipple if it’s just your nipple that’s sore.

Engorgement due to poor latch

It’s likely there’ll be other symptoms of poor latch if this is the reason, including sore nipples, or your baby not putting on weight well enough, or pooing and weeing frequently enough. If this is the case, and your having repeated problems, then it may be necessary for you to seek out some help with getting your baby latched on better.

Engorgement due to a longer-than-normal gap between feeds

This one’s simple – just get feeding again, and as often as possible!

Engorgement due to stopping breastfeeding

If your breasts are engorged because you have stopped breastfeeding recently, then you can help your milk supply to wind down gradually by listening to your body and paying attention to what discomfort signals – that’s something’s not right.

Whenever you feel uncomfortable, if you remove just enough milk to feel comfortable again (either by hand expression, or using a breast pump), then you will not remove enough milk to maintain a supply, but will more than likely prevent the engorgement progressing to mastitis.

So, basically, if your breasts are feeling full and tender, then pay attention, work out what’s going on, and do something about it. Simple, really but, as with so many breastfeeding issues, in our culture we are repeatedly told that it is normal for it to hurt or to be uncomfortable so we put up with it…but, as with sore nipples, don’t put up with it! Get it sorted, and hopefully you’ll help yourself get as long a breastfeeding career as you and your baby want.

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by clarekirkpatrick on May 22, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in blocked ducts, Breastfeeding, engorgement, mastitis, sore nipples

Posted by clarekirkpatrick on May 22, 2012

http://freeyourparenting.com/2012/05/22/engorgement/

A tip for helping our children manage their relationships with their siblings

Like most parents of multiple children, I have had to get used to the pain of seeing my children be rather less than pleasant to each other; that awful sinking feeling when you hear the words, “I hate my sister! I wish she’d never been born!’

I don’t think anything can prepare you for the confusion of feelings you experience the day you see one of the people you love most in the world; love so much that it can physically hurt sometimes; hurt the other person you love that much. It’s simply gut-wrenching. Anger, disappointment, shock, disgust…the list goes on.

But of course the very beautiful thing about having multiple children is the vital knowledge that an argument doesn’t mean the end of a relationship. Learning the art of making up is so important and is, if the parents are understanding enough to be able to truly support their children’s relationships with each other, fairly easy to achieve in childhood. Obviously it’s not a reason to have multiple children, but it’s a happy bonus, in my opinion.

I wanted to share one of the tips I’ve discovered recently to help my children learn about the ups and downs of their relationships with each other, and to help them to understand that a row doesn’t mean that they really hate each other, just that they hate what’s going on right now.

I, foolishly perhaps, try to remind them of this fact while they’re in the middle of ‘hating’ their siblings…unsurprisingly it doesn’t work! But what does have a little impact is this: pointing out to your children to notice when they are getting on well and enjoying each other’s company.

It’s important, of course, not to be smug about this, but to frame it as an important skill to have as an adult. Personally, if I don’t take real note of the good times, it’s very easy to slide into a slump of despair when things are going well. I take note of them by journalling, or just trying to store up those feelings of joy, and it really does help me to truly be with bad times, without getting sucked into them and thinking that my whole life is bad.

And when my  husband is really getting on my nerves (which I know is about me, not him!), reminding myself of how wonderful he is, and what amazing things he does, helps me not to get tangled up in those negative feelings.

Similarly, when my children are really enjoying each other’s company and co-operating with each other, I will catch them at a convenient moment and remind them to notice their feelings of pleasure right now, in the hope that, in time, they will begin to be able to remind themselves of these feelings when they’re ‘hating’ each other so that they don’t have to get sucked into such violent emotions.

If you do this already, I’d love to hear how it works for you.

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by clarekirkpatrick on May 19, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Children's behaviour, Children's emotions, Siblings

Posted by clarekirkpatrick on May 19, 2012

http://freeyourparenting.com/2012/05/19/a-tip-for-helping-our-children-manage-their-relationships-with-their-siblings/

Don’t give up when you hit bad patches!

A theme that has come up over and over for me in the past is trying to work out what is the cause of bad patches that our children are experiencing. Having made rather less-than-mainstream choices with regards to our parenting, it is often our first instinct to blame those choices.

For example, when we’ve wanted to try to help a child learn to sleep in her own bed, but they’ve been very stressed and unhappy about it, it’s easy to say ‘Well, it’s our own fault for co-sleeping so long’.

Or when our toddler can’t get herself to sleep on her own, it’s ‘our fault for breastfeeding her to sleep’.

Or when our older daughter is struggling with reading, it’s because we home educated her.

I’m pretty certain we’re not the only parents to fall into this trap. Thankfully we’ve always had plenty of supportive grandparents and friends on hand to remind us that we’re wrong and to keep on going with our choices and be confident in them.

Not giving up, though, is easier said than done when you’re not the only person putting the blame on your ‘alternative’ choices.

What about a baby who doesn’t seem to be putting on much weight? We all know health visitors/friends/family who would say it must be because you’re breastfeeding, so give up and give him some formula.

What about a toddler who’s very clingy? Well, it’s obvious it’s because you carried him all the time as a baby, isn’t it? You made a rod for your own back!

But none of this is true. If you spend a lot of time with children who were all breastfed/carried in slings/co-slept with their parents/are home educated, you find just as vast an array of characteristics and traits as you do in a group of children who were all formula fed/kept in prams/slept in their own cot/go to school.

If anything, unconfident, clingy children are like that because they haven’t had enough time close to their parents, not too much of it.

But the fact of the matter is, for whatever reason, some children are shy and clingy, and some are not. Some have sleep problems and some don’t. Some are good at reading, and some aren’t. Unless there is a serious psychological issue going on, it is very, very unlikely that it has much to do with the parenting choices you made.

In fact, if you have a child who is very shy and clingy, and you carried them everywhere and breastfed them and educate them at home, imagine how much more shy and clingy they may be if you hadn’t done that.

Most of the psychological evidence suggests that children are more confident when they’ve been ‘attachment parented’ (for want of a better phrase), not less so.

If your home educated child isn’t yet reading, but is loving books, what are the chances that he’d still be struggling just the same in school, but would have been labelled as a ‘slow reader’ and have got thoroughly fed up with books and writing?

I’m not saying that mainstream parenting choices are inevitably damaging. I’m saying that if your child seems to have an issue, don’t jump to the conclusion that it’s your parenting choices that have caused it.

Instead, sit with it, be loving, and be in your power, and either the true answer will come to you, or the situation will resolve itself with no need for intervention from you at all.

Trust in your choices, keep questioning what you’re doing (but not blaming it!), but stay open, positive and in your power.

2 Comments
by clarekirkpatrick on May 16, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Attention-seeking behaviour, Bed-sharing, Breastfeeding, Children's emotions, Conforming, Education, Love, Power, Toddlers

Posted by clarekirkpatrick on May 16, 2012

http://freeyourparenting.com/2012/05/16/dont-give-up-when-you-hit-bad-patches/

Getting tangled up in our children’s issues

So, a very relevant topic for me right now: the power of stepping back emotionally. I think most parents have a tendency to want to help their children work through things. It’s normal, and kind, and part and parcel of being a parent. But I have learnt something recently about learning how to help children appropriately, and it’s something very subtle.

It’s not like saying ‘don’t step in and sort out all your children’s battles for them’. That’s very obviously not a very empowering way to help children learn how to manage things. No, what I have learnt recently is quite how confused we can make a situation when we get too  emotionally involved in it.

We all worry about our children, so when we see them going through a rough patch, we instantly want to help. Most of us know that we need to be careful how much help we give children, and try to take a step back from actually sorting things out for them.
It’s also human nature to want to jump in and solve it for them, but, as I said already, we know to hold ourselves back from that. Why? Why don’t we jump in and solve it for them?But how many of us find ourselves worrying and fretting, talking to friends and family about the situation, trying to work out what we can be doing to ease things along a little? I know I do, and I know most other parents to as well – it’s human nature.

Probably because we know that we all need to work out how to fix things ourselves eventually. If we don’t know how to wire a plug, and we pay someone to do it for us every time, then we never learn how to do it ourselves. If babies are always carried upstairs then they’ll never learn to do it themselves.

Jean Piaget said:

When you teach a child something, you take away for ever his chance of discovering it for himself.

And why is that so important? Because when we learn something by ourselves, through our own experience and using all that we’ve learnt already on our path up to this point, then we learn it deeply. It changes us and shapes us and guides us further along our path.

When we are simply ‘taught’ something (i.e. spoon-fed it), then we only learn it on a superficial level, and it doesn’t really change us personally.

At some level we know this, as parents, and, unless we are so controlling that we can’t get a handle on how to step back from our children’s struggles, we let them get on with it as far as we can.

But is that enough? Is physically stepping back really enough?

I don’t think it is. I think we need to step back emotionally as well. When you watch a small child negotiating a climbing frame and you’re standing well back, and you’re not worried, just interested, they tend to climb confidently and sensibly. When you hover underneath them, whispering ‘careful’ under your breath, they are anxious and look back at you, and don’t make rational decisions. They pick up on the energy we send to them – anxious, jumpy energy from parent = anxious, jumpy child.

And this is no hippy woo stuff – this is real. Quantum physicists know that energy can affect things from a distance. All energy is connected.

So imagine how it works for a child who is trying to work through some complicated situation – maybe she’s going through a very anxious phase, or struggling with a friendship – and, although you’re doing a good job of standing back, your energy is still there, hovering around her, interfering with her energy, which she needs to be focussing on solving her problem.

Spending our emotional energy worrying about our children’s issues is not only painful for us, but painful for our children too, and is actually counter-productive, making issues far harder to resolve.

I know this to be true because I have had it shown to me time and time again by my own children. Maybe one day I’ll actually remember it at the beginning of the issue, instead of by the time I’m tearing my hair out worrying about it!

My most recent example is one of my children suddenly becoming very clingy and emotional, fearful at night, unable to sleep, and needing constant attention and physical contact. First I did the ‘OK let’s try this’ approach…which of course didn’t work.

Then I remembered: ‘hang on – she needs to fix this herself – stop trying to do it for her’. So I did stop…but I didn’t stop worrying. It took up most of my conversations with friends, most of my journalling time, and most of my meditations.

And then suddenly, I can’t remember quite why, I remembered…just disentangle my anxious energy from hers. Her path is her path and she has to walk it alone. She can have me alongside her as long as she needs me, but on my own path, not on hers. Because if I’m on her path, I get in the way.

Suddenly I was at peace. I came back into my own power and I instantly knew she would be fine. She would get through this tough patch and be all the stronger for it, having learnt something new. I started to sleep better, and my conversations and meditations became more light-hearted again.

It took less than 24 hours for my energy shift to start to affect hers. Without my energy muddying the situation, she was able to resolve it herself quickly and efficiently. She started going to sleep easily and without needing one of us around; she stopped needing cuddles every minute of the day; and she stopped crying all the time.

That wasn’t to say I stopped caring, just that I disentangled my energy from hers. I held her, but stayed in my power while doing so. I felt her pain, but didn’t feel that I wanted to fix it for her.

It’s like the difference between sitting with someone who is crying and saying ‘please stop crying’; and sitting with someone who is crying and thinking ‘please stop crying; and sitting with someone who is crying and knowing this person needs to cry right now, but they don’t need to do it alone…and that’s it.

So next time your children have a situation you’re worrying about, try just stepping back emotionally as well as physically and see what happens. Stay in your power, and on your path, and see how much clearer the way is for your children to do the same, and how amazingly wonderful they are at listening to their intuition when yours isn’t sitting there whispering ‘careful’ into their ears.

PS. By the way, this is the essence of empathy vs. sympathy. Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone and wanting to make it better for them and getting in the way in the process. Empathy is being with them, but not getting in the way and not confusing things with your own messy energy.

This blog post is recommended by Giraffe Child Care.

5 Comments
by clarekirkpatrick on May 7, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Children's emotions, Comfort-seeking behaviour, Energy, Insecure, Power, Pre-teens

Posted by clarekirkpatrick on May 7, 2012

http://freeyourparenting.com/2012/05/07/getting-tangled-up-in-our-childrens-issues/

Why we should all take time to re-fill our glasses every day

I’m sure most of FYP’s readers will have noticed that I haven’t been around much at all lately, and for that I apologise. I have been spending time healing myself (and, indirectly, my family) from what feels like a life-long winter. I feel as though I am emerging into my first ever real Spring, and it is very, very beautiful indeed.

I wanted to share with you something I’ve learned, and which I kind of knew already, but intensive learning curves often cause knowledge to sink far deeper into our selves than it does at other times.

Parents are often programmed by centuries of conditioning to always put their children first, and to feel that they are being selfish if they prioritise themselves. This often leads to self-sacrificing – something which can be very damaging to relationships, and quality of life in general, for both parent and child.

How to avoid it, though? I wrote a post a while ago about how to nurture our Selves, in particular when we are stay-at-home-parents, but I now believe this to be desperately important in whatever role you have in life, and some of the suggestions I made are not suggestions I would make now.

When I had my first baby, a wise woman said to me that it is useful to view ourselves as a glass which is drunk out of by all the people and things we care for in our lives, and if we don’t take the time to re-fill that glass from time to time, it will empty and we will suffer…and, of course, there is no more water left for the people we’d been giving it to so freely in the first place.

The thing is, though, that refilling our glass ‘from time to time’ isn’t really adequate, as I and many other parents have found. It’s not consistent enough, and we often only get round to doing it when we’ve already been running on empty for quite some time.

What I now believe we should all be doing is scheduling in time in our day to refill our glass every single day, more than once if possible or necessary…or simply if desired! We all accept the necessity of seeing to our physical needs as parents by feeding ourselves with food, and taking ourselves to the loo, but why do we put our emotional needs so far below everything else?

The thing is that we accept that we just won’t survive, physically, if we don’t eat or pee regularly, but we have been led to believe that surviving emotionally or spiritually just doesn’t matter. Where here’s some news for you…it does matter! It matters more than food and peeing, in my opinion.

We are not productive when our glasses are empty. We lose our capacity to be kind and compassionate. When we don’t love ourselves, we find it harder to love others. Put simply, life is just a whole lot harder for everyone around us, including us, when we our glasses are bone dry.

So may I tentatively suggest that you start to schedule in time every single day for glass re-filling, and that you use that time to do truly nourishing things. Screens aren’t nourishing and they cut us off from our higher selves – they are simply a distraction from the fact our souls are gasping for a long, cool drink. Art, meditation, praying, walking (either in nature, or in spirals or labyrinths), yoga, staring at a piece of beautiful art, or a tree, or anything that fills your heart while you drink a herbal tea, dancing, singing – all these things really do nourish our souls and truly re-fill our glasses.

I can almost guarantee that you’ll find that parenting, or your job, or whatever you devote your life to, is more productive, more fulfilling, and more joyous and harmonious if you really do put your Self first. You will have more space in your heart for your children, more capacity for creative thinking and problem solving, and more ability to truly ‘be’ with your children’s emotions, rather than being swept up by them, or compelled to fix things for them.

I’d love to hear what you all do to re-fill your glasses, and to nourish your Selves and how it helps you.

16 Comments
by clarekirkpatrick on April 24, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Caring for ourselves, Love, Parental self-sacrifice

Posted by clarekirkpatrick on April 24, 2012

http://freeyourparenting.com/2012/04/24/why-we-should-all-take-time-to-re-fill-our-glasses-every-day/

How to free your parenting when your own parents are causing problems

I was asked to write about how to get your parents to understand attachment parenting, but I don’t think that the issue of your children’s grandparents refusing to ‘get’ your style of parenting is one that is unique to attachment parenting.

If our children have the sort of grandparents who like to make comments and interfere, then they’re going to do that however you choose to parent unless it is exactly the way they think it should be done.

And herein lie the real issues – those of disrespect, power, control, fear, closed-minds, guilt and lack of open, honest, clear, loving communication and empathy.

I am lucky. My parents and my husband’s parents have always been very supportive of the ways we choose to parent our children, but I hear so, so frequently that other parents aren’t so lucky, and I wonder if the easiest starting point is to try to see the situation from your parents’ point of view.

Just like we are, our parents are the product of their own childhoods, parenting and life experiences. If they were brought up in a way that gives parents power, and makes children powerless, then they will have been taught certain ways to behave.

If they had a difficult time at school, they may have learned certain patterns of behaviour from that as well. And countless other things.

Some of our parents will have learned a pattern of behaviour that makes it difficult for them to function if they are not in control, and they may have spent your, or your partner’s childhood passing on similar behaviour patterns to your or your partner.

If they find lack of control terrifying, then they may have come to live in a way that we call ‘controlling’ or ‘interfering’ – and it is exactly that. But it can be easier to deal with when you can empathise with what may be the basis of this behaviour.

Let’s say your mother-in-law is finding it difficult to let go of her control of her son and to deal with the fact that he is not only his own person, but that his priority is no longer her, but his children and his partner. It is her problem, of course, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t view her actions with compassion and unconditional love, and that approach can make any difficult situations a whole lot easier to bear.

That’s not to say that you should say all this to your children’s grandparents, but just know that things such as these may be factor when you communicate with them and discuss ways of talking to them about how you wish to parent your children and how you would like them to be supporting you in this.

Another issue that I feel often gives rise to discord between a child’s parents and his grandparents is that of guilt. As I have discussed on this blog before, we are set up by our culture to feel that the upbringing of our children is solely our responsibility and therefore that we should feel guilty if we don’t manage to do it perfectly.

It is easy to see judgement in other parents making different choices, and even more so when our children making different choices about how they parent their children. Imagine that you left your babies to cry all night long, because you were told that was the best way to do things. And then your daughter-in-law says to you ‘I think it’s damaging for babies to be left to cry’.  To her this may well feel as if you’re saying ‘I think you damaged my partner with your parenting’. It is unsurprising that some grandparents react defensively if this happens.

I would suggest that if you are finding a problem with your parents or parents-in-law constantly interfering or being rude about the way you are choosing to parent your children, it is always best to be lovingly open and honest.

With compassion in your heart, ask them to offer the same in return to you, and ask for opportunities to discuss how you parent in an open, loving way. Make it clear that the choices you make are no criticism at all about the choices they made, and that you dearly want them to be involved in your children’s upbringing. It is well known that plenty of contact with loving grandparents can be incredibly beneficial to children.

Remind them what the consequences of constant interference and negativity could be; that your children will pick up on antagonism and find it hard to reconcile their love for their grandparents with their innate loyalty to their parents.

With love, tell your parents or parents-in-law that you understand that they parented the way they thought best, and that they loved their children and that that is the most important thing. Say that all parents do the best they can with the knowledge and resources (financial, practical, support) they have at time and that the knowledge and resources you have may be different to those that they had when they were parenting children.

And above all ask them to try to support you in your choices, even if they disagree with them, because ultimately you are your children’s parents, and you will parent them how you feel is best, with or without their support, but that, of course, life for all of you will be far easier and more pleasant and loving if they do offer their support.

And please, please be open to questions – often it is just that your parents don’t understand. They were told that children who weren’t left to cry would grow up spoiled. Just because our current understanding of children’s emotional development has changed and we know this, it doesn’t mean your parents know it. Suggest books or websites for them to read, tell them what you’ve learnt (but remember to keep that compassion, love and empathy in your heart when you do!), and invite them to please ask  when there are things they see you doing that they don’t understand or are worried about.

I hope that’s helpful. If anyone has any other ideas, please add to the comments.

Image credits: Salim Virji, Jaaron, Flickr

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by clarekirkpatrick on February 5, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by clarekirkpatrick on February 5, 2012

http://freeyourparenting.com/2012/02/05/how-to-free-your-parenting-when-your-own-parents-are-causing-problems/

Science, spirituality and self-esteem

I have been reading a fascinating book by Lynne McTaggart about quantum physics. Don’t stop reading – I promise this won’t be boring!

Now I always used to be really rather sceptical about spiritual things. I wouldn’t have called myself an atheist, but I certainly wouldn’t say that I believed in a single higher power who is male etc.

Following a rather dire personal crisis towards the end of last year, I have, however, been beginning to explore spirituality and what it means.

Alongside this, I have also been reading these amazing books about quantum physics, which basically say that we now know that all the mystic, remote healing, pagan, shaman, buddhist etc. spiritual paths have been saying since the dawn of time is, in fact, correct. We really are all connected, and we really can all communicate remotely with one another.

So, there is science behind spirituality (not necessarily behind a single male higher power, but certainly behind connectedness and a shared universal energy.)

I am finding this growing awareness very helpful to myself, but also in my parenting. This blog is not going to turn into a spiritual parenting blog – as I hope all my readers know, this blog is for all parents and about opening our hearts and minds to finding the way that is right for us.

However, I wanted to share this with you because one of my daughters is really struggling a lot at the moment with self-esteem issues and what seems to be the only thing that is beginning to break through the shell she’s created is me sharing my new knowledge with her.

I have talked to her about that wonderful quote by the French philosopher, Pierre Teilhard de Chardin:

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

which I love, and which is very similar to CS Lewis’s quote:

You don’t have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.

Apart from many monotheist religions, most spiritual peoples talk about our spirit and soul as being purely good, and light. Evil doesn’t exist according to these beliefs. What does exist is a shared, universal spirit (or, as physicists call it, energy – it’s all semantics), which is unchanging and powerful.

Housing that energy is things – rocks, trees, animals, humans – and it is these ‘things’ that act or think in a way that creates the concept of evil.

When I talked about this with my daughter, I suggested to her that she try to believe that, however badly she views herself, her soul can never be bad. It is always light, and strong, and beautiful, and good.

I really wanted to share this with you as it resonated so deeply with her. For the first time in many, many months, she said to me that maybe she thinks that she might be a bit nice after all (she is nice, by the way – she’s wonderful!).

Visualisation can be such a powerful tool for children – whether or not you are a spiritual person, I urge you to consider finding little images and visualisations that may help your children to deal with difficult issues.

A long time ago I wrote about helping children to deal with nervousness, and the little visualisation I taught to my children to help them when they were coming up to an activity they wanted to do but that they thought they may be too nervous to take part in.

I’d love to hear your experiences of using visualisation, or spiritual ideas to help your children.

Image credit: Sven Kirkpatrick

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by clarekirkpatrick on January 14, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by clarekirkpatrick on January 14, 2012

http://freeyourparenting.com/2012/01/14/science-spirituality-and-self-esteem/

Review – Striiv pedometer

Well, I did my first ever non-book blagging, and I’m ashamed of myself. But only a teeny bit, because the product I blagged is flipping fantastic! Striiv is only available from the US at the moment, but if you’re in the UK, you can order it from the US without a problem. It costs $99.95.

I have to say, I’m not sure I’d fork out for it if I hadn’t got it for review, but that’s because I’m rather short of money. However, if I had the spare cash, I would definitely get a Striiv!

It’s basically a really clever, nifty, fun pedometer. It sets you little challenges of different levels, each of which brings you rewards. These rewards you can ‘spend’ as donations to charity – one that raises money for polio vaccinations in developing countries, one that helps to save the rainforest, and providing clean water to families in Africa. The donations don’t come from your pocket! You link the Striiv up to your computer and it syncs with something clever and updates itself, and sends your donations.

You can also ‘spend’ the rewards on your own little virtual island, building it up and encouraging little virtual animals and mythical creatures back to the area.

For a mum who struggles to get enough exercise, I can hand on heart say that this is a brilliant invention. Boring as it sounds, I actually found myself marching up and downstairs to get the rewards on the counter for 58 stairs in 15 minutes, for example, or marching round and round the living room to hit 7000 steps before the time ran out.

The aim, as you may already know, is to reach 10,000 steps every day, which is surprisingly difficult to achieve unless you’re a hospital nurse, or walk every where you go. Even on the days I walked places, I needed to top up the number of steps I’d taken by pacing up and down the hallway a few (OK, a lot of) times before I went to bed.

But it was worth it. I felt great knowing that I’d achieved all those steps and that it was really good for my fitness. Even without the little virtual world game, it would be a great incentive. We all know how motivating it is to reach lots and lots of small goals, which is basically how it works.

It also tells you how far you’ve walked, or climbed, compared to world landmarks. For instance, I have several times walked the equivalent of the length of the Golden Gate Bridge, and climbed the Eiffel Tower a few times as well!

I would really recommend this product, if you are struggling to get enough exercise each day. I would not, however, recommend leaving it in your jeans pocket when you put them in the laundry basket. I am now the sad ex-owner of a wonderful Striiv as I discovered I doesn’t wash very well in a washing machine. However, I will be looking out for competitions to win one in the future – Striiv is a fantastic invention!

 

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by clarekirkpatrick on January 9, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by clarekirkpatrick on January 9, 2012

http://freeyourparenting.com/2012/01/09/review-striiv-pedometer/

Some things I don’t want for my daughter – by Suzy

Happy New Year to you all! I ended the year talking about things I wanted for my daughter as she grows up so I thought I would begin this new year thinking about what I don’t want for her, would love to hear what you think and your own wishes for your children.

I don’t want her to think that success can be measured by extrinsic goals and achievements.

By this I mean that I hope that as she grows she will understand that success is more than the job, the house or the car, it is intrinsic and based on how you feel and it is not always fleeting or just out of reach in the way that extrinsic goals and symbols are. Once upon a time for a short while I got the media job I wanted and lo and behold it wasn’t me and I wasn’t happy, education was my calling and when you find that within you then you can’t help but follow it. I like to think that C can see that even though we don’t have as much as some people she knows, we have plenty and more than that; she has parents who find value and meaning in their lives.

I don’t want her to think that she needs a partner to giver her meaning or value.

I actually don’t believe that you can find the right partner until you are able to be okay with yourself; the fairytale that we see in films where two people meet and they fulfil each others every need and live happily ever after – that isn’t real! I used to search for a partner when I was so lonely and so unable to be alone and it just bounced me from one crap relationship to the next. It wasn’t until I gave up trying and decided that I wouldn’t look for anyone, I wouldn’t try to be someone else and I wouldn’t chase anyone that I finally found who I was meant to be with. Seventeen years later we are still together and still know that both of us have other things in our lives to give us that meaning and value as well as that we get from each other.

I don’t want her to try to fit in.

This one will be hard to avoid to some extent; puberty and adolescence is all about finding out who you are and sometimes you get there by trying on who you are not. Once again though, I have been there and I can tell you that if you have to try to fit in then you probably don’t! When you can be yourself and have people that accept and like you for that then you know that those relationships are real and honest and will enrich you in the way that they should. I know she will sometimes try to fit on or even just wish that she did but I hope that she finds the courage to be completely herself sooner than I did!

I don’t want her to think that she has to get it right all the time.

Growing up is hard and there are so many pressures on young people trying to find their way through into adulthood. My daughter worries about her SATs and whether she will reach her target level for the term; that certainly was not me! As an antenatal teacher I try to empower parents to know that perfection is unattainable and that they will learn and grow from their mistakes as well as their triumphs. I want C to grow up with that knowledge too as it gives you the strength to keep going, to keep trying and to keep learning. Sometimes I teach a class and I think; ‘I rock!’ which is wonderful, sometimes I teach a class and I think ‘that was fine’ which is also okay. Occasionally I teach a class and I think ‘oh, that sucked!’ which feels horrible but it spurs you to bring about change and to reflect on how you can learn and do better next time. As with earlier points, it is in this process that we find ourselves and we learn who we are and what our strengths are.

Although there are many other points I could elucidate on this subject, I will finish by saying that I don’t want her to take life or herself too seriously. Life is chaotic, difficult and sometimes wonderful and I want her to enjoy the ride and laugh, be silly and play; no matter how old she gets! The ability to laugh at oneself is extremely useful and if she is anything like her mother then she will need it! Happy new year everyone!

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by clarekirkpatrick on January 7, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by clarekirkpatrick on January 7, 2012

http://freeyourparenting.com/2012/01/07/some-things-i-dont-want-for-my-daughter-by-suzy/

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  • About Free Your Parenting

    I would love to one day live in a culture where parents are empowered to make truly informed choices and are respected for the decisions they make. With this in mind, I try to ensure that FYP posts do not describe what I think parents should do. Instead, I aim to share evidence-based information and to suggest ideas that may help parents make the choices that are right for them and their families.

    Clare Kirkpatrick is the editor of Free Your Parenting and has supported parents with breastfeeding for over eight years. She was an NCT trained breastfeeding counsellor for over five years before recently resigning to concentrate on supporting parents in other ways, and is a harassed but happy mum of four.

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