I have been having a hard few weeks lately, culminating in a really very horrible few days. Many good things are emerging from it, as is often the way when we have tough times, but one of the things that I have been reminded about is our need to nurture ourselves when we’re right in the thick of parenting.
This is particularly important, I feel, for stay-at-home-parents – those parents who have no moments at all to themselves during the day. I’m not denigrating working parents, here. My husband is one, and I know how he struggles too to find things to do for himself, but this is a different sort of struggle I’m talking about.
I’m talking about the fact that every car journey is constantly punctuated by bickering in the back, random questions, and demands to listen to the music the children want. I’m talking about never being able to visit the loo without being sought out by a small person wanting to know what you’re doing, or to ask you to get them a drink. I’m talking about the cry of ‘Mummy’ over and over again, usually followed by ‘Can I…?’ or ‘Ellie’s hitting me…’ or ‘Why can’t I…?’, all delivered in various intensities of whining.
In this hazy fog of intense and isolating mothering, how do we find and nurture ourselves so that we can not only survive, but also be good mothers? (Sorry, I see I’ve switched from using the word ‘parent’ to using the word ‘mother’ – probably because I am one! Can you let me off this once? I do mean parent.)
Some of us do it in a harmful way. Some of us go outside and spend a few minutes smoking a cigarette – no one can share that with us! Some of us have a secret stash of chocolate and raid that while the children are distracted for five minutes. Those of us who are struggling the most find their way to a glug of ‘Mother’s Little Helper’ (gin), or we self-harm in a more blatant way, banging our heads against walls, or cutting ourselves.
I’m not going to tell you which of those I have done or not done, but my point is that all these things all stem from our subconsciousness screaming at us to pay attention to our selves. By ‘our selves’ I don’t mean ‘ourselves’, I mean our selves. Where is your self in all this and why aren’t you caring for it as you do your children’s selves?
When we find ourselves scrabbling for something to do that includes no one except us – something we simply cannot share with our children – and that something we find is ultimately damaging not just to our selves, but to our bodies too, then we owe it to our selves and our children to learn new ways to nurture our selves.
Here are some things I’ve learnt, and some things some of my most precious friends have learnt, that may speak to you and help you to nurture your self.
- Make yourself a cup of tea and take it somewhere quiet to drink – even better if you drink a healthy fruit or herb tea
- If your children are young enough to nap, use that time to run yourself a bath scented with your favourite aromatherapy oils and light candles
- Make yourself a space that is just yours. It can be as big or as small as you can manage -maybe it’s a whole room if you’re lucky enough, or maybe it’s just a special plate with a candle and a beautiful leaf, flower, stone or picture on it. Don’t let anyone move anything in this space you create, but make time – just a few minutes, to go there and just be for a few moments – light your candle, burn some incense or some aromatherapy oil in a burner
Learn a simple but powerful yoga pose such as pose of a mountain, or pose of a corpse and learn the breathing to go with it – a few moments of meditative breathing like this is so restorative- Find a gym with a creche and spend some time there
- When the children have their ‘tv’ time, turn your computer on and read blogs or catch up with friends – set a timer, though, because screens can become harmful too if you get stuck on them
- In your next shopping trip, buy a healthy treat just for you, so that instead of gorging on chocolate and biscuits, you can savour the healthy yumminess of blueberries, or dried pineapple
- Do something a little bit more than you usually do in your morning washing and dressing routine. If you don’t normally blow-dry your hair, allow yourself a few extra minutes to do so. If you don’t normally wear make up, put some mascara on. If your children are old enough not to grab at them, put on a pair of earrings, or a necklace
- Learn about meditation and being mindful, and remind yourself to do mundane things mindfully – when you’re washing your hands, be aware of the feel of the water running over your hands, the tap in your palm as you turn it, the soap between your fingers
- Wear something beautiful in your hair – a flower, or even a tiara – something to remind you that you are special and you deserve beautiful things
For those readers who are working parents, I want to say that I of course recognise the very hard, and different challenges that comes with that. But I really needed to speak about the challenge of surviving from hour to hour when you are with your children every moment that stay-at-home-parents have every single day. Next week I will be writing about how to nurture your self when you’re a working parent, so don’t feel ignored or disrespected, please!So, my question to my readers who are, or have been, stay-at-home-parents, is what do you do, or have you done, to nurture and love your self so that you don’t or didn’t get lost in the parenting?
Edited to add: Just remembered one of my first posts on FYP - five inspirational quotes to help us through tough times and thought I should link to it here!
Image credits: Daniel James, Wader, Jagrap, capturingJenna, rikomatic, Flickr
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nettiewriter
/ November 11, 2011When my daughter was little, every evening without fail my husband and she had time together. They would play lego, read, play hide and seek – at least an hour of dedicated one-on-one, not matter how rubbish a day he had had. This gave me a lovely respite to watch some TV, go online or read. It also meant that father and daughter had – and still have – a deep, loving relationship with each other.
I hope all stay-at-home mums find their own space because I totally agree with you, Clare: we should nurture ourselves too.
Nx
clarekirkpatrick
/ November 11, 2011THanks, Nettie. Yes, that hour at the end of the day when Dad gets home can be really good. I know I struggle with the middle of the day stuff, though – it’s long hours sometimes!
Imogen @Alternative Mama
/ November 11, 2011I’m so glad you mentioned head banging/self harming. This is something I struggle with when mothering is getting on top of me. I haven’t cut in about 10 years (yay!) but headbanging/punching/scratching is something that comes automatically when the frustration descends. Thank you for this incredibly useful list of tips, I’ll be trying them!
It really frustrates me when people say “oh you’re so lucky to be able to stay at home”. Well yes, I am very lucky and I am very grateful that my profession allows me to work at home alongside mothering, but its not all hearts and flowers. It is bloody hard sometimes, as you described so perfectly.
For me, the one thing that’s really helped me is having my oldest go to a childminder once a week. Its only for 4 hours, but it gives me time with just one baby (who naps! In a sling but still!) and he has a total blast. He loves her, an it’s so reassuring to know that he’s not only safe but having a fun, enriching time.
Thank you for this excellent post, I’ll be sharing it far and wide!
clarekirkpatrick
/ November 11, 2011Thank you, Imogen. It’s way too scary for mums to admit how terrifying it is sometimes – I will be writing more about this x
Imogen @ Alternative Mama
/ November 11, 2011When you do I’ll be sharing that one far and wide, too. It really can be terrifying. I mean, for me it’s not so scary because it’s a problem I’ve had for a long time anyway, but I know lots of mothers who have encountered feelings of wanting to self harm when they have never done before, and it has been terrifying for them. The truth is, mothering is *hard*. It doesn’t matter how we do it, whether we work outside of the home or not, whether we breastfeed or not, whether we co-sleep or not. There are plenty of rewards, sure, but it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. t’s a great idea to raise awareness, if people feel able to talk about the elephant in the room, it’s not so big and suffocating.
clarekirkpatrick
/ November 11, 2011Absolutely, Imogen. You’re so right.
Imogen @ Alternative Mama
/ November 11, 2011Also, I’m sorry to hear you’ve been struggling lately. Good for you for managing to find a positive in it, and I hope that soon things will calm down x
clarekirkpatrick
/ November 11, 2011Thank you xx
mmelindor
/ November 11, 2011Another inspiring post. You do seem to do that to me.
Something that I have been meaning to blog about for ages and I will do so now.
It is so important to make time for yourself and not be a slave to the children and the family.
Hope that things improve for you, Clare.
clarekirkpatrick
/ November 11, 2011Thank you, MmeLindor x
Becky
/ November 11, 2011Thanks for the lovely article. People often forget that our ‘job’ is 24/7 with no head space! I love the idea of a lovely bath – it certainly beats my low of eating chocolate locked in the bathroom just to escape for a minute!!! My advice is to cherish all the good moments in the day and try to forget the squabbles and fights – even if it’s just one little cuddle or an ‘I love you’ in a day. Let’s face it we get very little affirmation from anywhere else, because of course it’s so easy being a stay-at-home mum!
clarekirkpatrick
/ November 11, 2011Oh yes, cuddles and plenty of ‘I love yous’ are so important, but easy to get ‘touched out’ at times too, I find.
Karen
/ November 11, 2011Thank you! I have a very sympathetic husband, who KNOWS that being at home, with a high needs toddler, and trying to keep all the plates spinning is hard, and that some days all I want to do is just be able to pee alone, but I don’t think he truly “gets” it.
I don’t cut myself, but I am prone to moments of highs/low’s emotionally, and I tend to comfort eat, or bite my nails very badly, and I can tell how good or bad a week it’s been by the state of my hands.
My toddler is currently sitting on the sofa, eating blueberries, watching CBeebies for 15 mins, while I drink a cup of coffee, and catch up online. I’ve gotten over the guilt, it’s not harming him, and it saves my sanity to just have brief “time-out” times. I’m also trying to make our bedroom a nice space, where I can have somewhere to go, just to breathe, and feel like there is something for “me”
Mother hood is so challenging, I think making sure we look after ourselves is vital, otherwise how can we look after everyone else?
clarekirkpatrick
/ November 11, 2011You’re so right – a counsellor I had for a while used to talk about how we would need to act in an aeroplane emergency. We parents would have to put our own oxygen masks on first. And we mustn’t feel guilty about it – we’re doing our children a disservice by self-sacrificing for them. I really do believe that.
Mamma Earthly
/ November 11, 2011I think it’s SO important to find out (and *allow* ourselves to) what works best for us. For me, in the past, I have forgotten all about looking after myself in ANY way, in a haze of stumbling stupidly between mothering tasks. But it leads to a very sorry mama indeed. I have self-harmed and have considered much much worse on too many occasions. You can put any label you like on it but at the end of the day it is simply a matter of odds – if you burn yourself at both ends night and day and never give yourself a break, you are either going to spectacular implode or simply turn quietly to a pile of ash.
As all we SAHPs know (again, it’s important to remember it’s not just mums), it’s NOT just about too much work. It’s about personal space – head, body, soul. Try to remember what really worked for you in the past and work out how to fit it into your day now. I love the idea of a personal space – room or otherwise but I know that would be pretty much impossible for us just now! Likewise yoga space or meditation BUT finding time to go to classes, or to friends who don’t have kids, or finding a mutual babysitter… there are lots of possibilities if you can put your addled brain to the task :)
Thanks for this x
clarekirkpatrick
/ November 11, 2011Thank you, Mamma Earthly :) It’s so easy to get lost in mothering when it’s nearly the only thing you ever do, and can be so damaging when that happens.
Butterflyexperience
/ November 11, 2011Thank you for a great post on self :)
I had not thought to meditate, it would prob do me the world of good.
Love the idea of creating a little spot of peace to regain peace of mind.
Again great post!
X
clarekirkpatrick
/ November 11, 2011Thank you – glad you found it helpful :) x
dia
/ November 11, 2011This is definatly something I’ve been struggling with for a very long time. I always felt guiltyif I “left” the kids and took a yoga class, two years ago my mom passed and I guess that was my breaking point. My sweet husband finally saw that I actually am not superwoman and I can’t do it all and the biggest part of that was admitting it to my self. I continue to struggle to find time but I see that its not selfish but some time to become myself again
clarekirkpatrick
/ November 11, 2011I’m sorry to hear about your loss, dia, but I’m glad that it helped you to find your self again x
Catherine (@MummyLion)
/ November 11, 2011i did a course recently called the nurturing course – mostly t was about parenting skills and understanding your children but it was also about taking time to look after ourselves. it’s hard to fit this time in when you have a toddler and since the course finished i have kind of forgotten to do this. thank you for the reminder, and i will endeavour to make a moment or two for me tomorrow (did you say drinking gin was ok? ;) in the meantime im going to eat a sneaky bag of crisps).
clarekirkpatrick
/ November 12, 2011LOL – I think gin’s probably a little bit to self-destructive to really help, I’m afraid! ;)
Emma @ConsciousMama
/ November 11, 2011Sorry to hear you’ve had a tough time. I’m a single parent to 2 young boys so I dont get any me time apart from when they’re sleeping (at the same time!! :) For me, I often try to work with my mind and carefuly chose my perception on things so its helps me to enjoy time with them more. Things like ‘Its only temporary, it’ll get easier as they get older’, type thing. I always expect mess, interuptions etc. I try to accept whatever is happening so it doesnt wind me up in the first place as much as is possible! :) Toddler spilt drink for the 3rd time, (its ok, its just a carpet – it can be cleaned). Apart from that, talking to friends, getting out the house for walks, making sure I’m sleeping enough and getting a healthy diet and lots of B vitamins. That and my chocolate stash! But if the going does get tough, I really try to not beat myself up over it, but thank myself (unconscious) for noticing that what I’m doing isnt emotionally healthy, and hopefully I’ll get to the point where not only am I able to notice before it happens, but I’m able to stop myself and chose a different behaviour. (Obviously this is still a work in progress!)
clarekirkpatrick
/ November 12, 2011Oh yes, becoming self-aware about our behaviours is so important – thank you for flagging that up, Emma!
Mummylimited
/ November 12, 2011Thanks for this post. It’s come at the end of a dreadful couple of weeks, which I blogged about this week. One of the main problems for me is exactly as you describe. No space for ‘me’. My children do nap and yet I never seem to have time to take a bath or knit, there’s always do much to do. I always think ‘if I just do x today, then tomorrow I’ll be able to have a break’, but by tomorrow there’s always more washing or more mess. Not sure what the answer is there.
I love the idea of some yoga or meditation though. I could fit that in, or even just a peaceful cup of tea.
Lots for me to ponder I think.
clarekirkpatrick
/ November 12, 2011I’m glad you found it helpful. Sorry to hear you’ve had such a dreadful couple of weeks. Mothering is so hard. I’m just reading How Mothers Love for a review on here in a couple of weeks, and it’s making me exhausted just reading it! I don’t know how we mothers do it!
Laura Schuerwegen
/ November 12, 2011This is such an important post! Will be sharing. You should know how far along I am right now… I’m back in the state where I can hardly get dressed in the morning
clarekirkpatrick
/ November 12, 2011Oh Laura :( I’m sad to hear that. Hope things improve for you soon x